A lot of times I sit and think of you. Your face and that smile are crystal clear in my mind. A lot of times, things give me a feeling of déjà vu. I remember little conversations we had and how much difference they made.
There was one night when dad was here. He was sleeping and I was talking to you, standing on the terrace. I had asked you out but you hadn’t made a yet decision then. I was ranting on about how I dislike my parts of my past and how difficult it was for me to explain to you how much I love you. You patiently heard me out for 45 minutes. And then you spoke.
“You know what I feel like doing right now?” you asked.
“What?” I said
“I feel like coming there and giving you a big hug” you replied.
I felt like dropping everything and flying to you. That was one moment when I really wished I had wings…
Then there was my cousin’s wedding. I was at his place with celebration in the air. But no celebration in my life has ever been complete without you and neither will it ever be. So I called you. You sounded upset. You were crying. I could feel the tears in your voice.
“I will call you later” you said.
“No listen…one second…talk to me dear” I replied. I have always been persistent, haven’t I?
So after a while you started speaking. You broke down. I hated myself for being so far away from you. I wished I could run to you and hold you in my arms till those tears faded away and I wished I could make you smile. I didn’t know what to say so I let my heart speak. I heard all that you had to say with silence and then spoke. After about an hour, I heard you laugh. It felt wonderful. I could make my little princess laugh. You kept insisting that I should go back and have fun with the people here but for me, someone was far more important. It was you, my dear. Weddings happen all over the world everyday but I never want to see you cry. Even today, I wish I have the tears that belong to you while you take the smiles and joys from me. I will gladly trade the happiness in my life for the sadness in yours darling. That, I guess is love.
At the reception again, I called you. The place was teeming with people. Some I knew. Most, I didn’t. But without you I felt very lonely and out of place. Seemed like a part of me was missing. I told you about the incessant bugging of people and how I had to welcome people who were total strangers and how I had very conveniently been put in charge of food and beverages. You laughed at my inane descriptions and though I was making a total fool of myself, I loved it baby because it made you smile.
I remember when I had fever, you told me to tell the fever to go find someone else because I hated competition. I laughed. Inside me, I wanted to run to you and tell you that no matter what happens, I will never let you go away. I will hold you close and be with you. And no woman can ever be competition to the place you held in my life. You still hold that place my love.
I remember rushing to pay my phone bills so that I would talk to you a little more because being so far away from you, it was the only way I could feel your warmth beside me as I lay on the bed after a hard day. Today, time and again I feel like picking up the phone and dialing your number but I stop short of it because maybe you wouldn’t like to hear my voice now. Even today, I crave for those seemingly meaningless conversations that had so much meaning. My arms lie outstretched in the hope that I will have the chance to hold you in them again…
It is a hope. It is a bleak spot of light in the dark. But light, nevertheless. I love you and I will always be only yours…