Sunday, October 18, 2009

250 miles of insanity!

I am back! Offer your brains so I can feast on them.

Ok. Fine. Don’t. Selfish people. Want to keep all your brains for yourself! Anyway, let me get on with what I wanted to say. Lots and lots…and lots of things have been happening and like always, it’s a blend of “oh so painful” and “oooh so nice”. And in the middle of all this is me. So then, without further ado, let me begin.

Keeping in sync with my affinity for things unplanned (except for a few situations, of course) I suddenly decided that since Jaipur is not that far off and most people who mattered were either out of Delhi or out of touch, it will be a nice idea to hop on to a bus and go to the Pink City for Diwali. The idea was great but the execution, not quite. To begin with, the buses starting from Bikaner House in Delhi were supposedly “full” and employees there could be seen openly selling tickets in black and making what they called “Diwali profit”. A press card or a police ID proved extremely helpful though, as I later found out. The bus rolled out of Bikaner House at sharp 1.15 in the morning. At least punctuality was a virtue the RTDC still has. Now, I was on the seat in the middle of the last row. Shaky but spacious. At least I could stretch my legs, though it’s a different thing that parts of my body like the neck, would also get stretched but that was inevitable. Then I suddenly saw this woman walk up to me and stand right in front of me, moving her head left and right like she was watching a tennis match! My estimate said she was around 29, unless she used one of those anti aging creams. So then she sat down and handed over her bag asking me if I could shove it under the seat in front of her. I did. Then it happened! Like the Tsunami…like a volcanic eruption…like a hail of bullets from an air raid…like Rajnikanth’s 60 kicks in a second…she started rattling away at a speed so fast that I doubt if even Michael Schumacher could keep up. The topics included things like how the government servants were cheating people out of money and how her uncle, a crime reporter had secured her a comfy seat, among a zillion other things. Finally, after 20 minutes of a monologue, I guess she lost steam. And went on the mute mode. The experience was so intense that I took me a good 40 minutes to get my concentration back to my Sudoku book. But my ordeal wasn’t over. The two guys sitting on my left then started off in a language that I presume was Hebrew or Arabic. All I could make out was that they sounded like they were clearing their throats repeatedly. I even thought of offering them cough drops. No offence meant though. They went on talking and talking like they’d had a crate of Red Bull. And people say I am talkative.

Suddenly the bus halted. Two guys got in. And one of them reached his seat bonking against the lofts on either sides. The guy was visibly and audibly “high”. Stoned off his mind or sloshed beyond repair, I don’t know, though. His friend had a sheepish “I apologise” look on his face. Once on his seat the stoned/sloshed chap started eating. And boy could he eat!! By the time he finished, there were 6 empty packets of chips, 4 chocolate cake packets, 4 empty sandwich packets, all tossed on the floor of the bus. Instinct told me to kick him in the groin and tell him to pick it up. Even better, stuff it in his mouth. But it wasn’t needed. The conductor did the rest. Though, the being a Volvo, the smell lingered on for a while. Then this guy caused a nuclear explosion. Now I know what people in Hiroshima would have felt like. And I am not elucidating the point.

Somewhere in the middle of all this and old Bollywood music, I dozed off. But I was shaken up, literally by the “firing” woman next to me. She woke me up like either the bus had been hijacked or set on fire. I saw the bus entering a food court run by RTDC. She said she had to go…(you know, go for emergency) and if I would look after her bag. It was more a statement than a request and in my zonked state of mind; I must have nodded my approval because she bolted for the door, stepping on my foot in the process. Bored to the edge of my seat, i got off the bus and got myself an apology for a frappe for Rs. 25 at the counter. As the bus began to leave the RTDC Midway, I climbed back on and sat in the bus. Rest of the journey was thankfully uneventful.

On reaching Jaipur, I walked up to the local bus stand out of my sudden desire to travel in a local bus here. It was 7 in the morning and the guy issuing the tickets was smoking beedi after beedi, turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the monstrous board right outside the counter that said “Smoking Prohibited. Fine upt o Rs. 200”. So I clicked a nice little picture of him with smoke rolling out of his nostrils and told him and if he didn’t shut that thing off right then, then I would walk up to the nearest police station and get him arrested. He scowled. I scowled back. He grunted, I growled. And after such show of power, he had no choice. I took my ticket and just then it started raining. So I ran under one the tea stalls and drank tea, accompanied by fruit cake from “Rachna Backery”. Decent fruit cake. When I walked back to the terminus, the guy stubbed out his beedi the moment he saw me! I was proud of myself and saw an elderly woman smile gratefully. Nice start to the day it was. The bus came in. And I hopped on for another journey. But that’s for later. That’s quite another story!

Adios.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Gods Wanted

I had been suffering from an extreme lack of ideas all this while. Hence, no post. But today, out of the VIBGYOR, I thought of something. Here it is:
The world is changing. And fast! Infrastructure, technology, science and everything else, is undergoing a drastic change. Why should mythology and divinity be any different? In addition to the good old Gods, we need a few young and contemporary ones too. So here is a look at how the recruitment ad for these new Gods will look like.
The department of Divine Resource Management is recruiting for the positions mentioned below. The salaries are negotiable with additional perks like 50% of food and money offered to the deity by devotees. Please read the roles and responsibilities carefully before applying.

God of Traffic Control

The candidates should be skilled in traffic management with minimum 1 year of experience in managing Godly duties. Candidates from departments like War, Wisdom and Destruction will be given preference. Role will include managing traffic in the busy centers, miraculously fixing malfunctioning signals, answering prayers about reducing traffic etc. Ideally, the candidates should be between 40 – 150 years of age, and should, in no way exceed 200 years. Additional responsibility includes cleaning up after accidents as well.

God of Reality Shows

The candidates should be skilled in managing viewer mindsets. They should be well versed with the concept of TRPs and should respond quickly to prayers from producers, directors and viewers. Rewarding fair participation and punishing sleazy practices will also form a part of the role. Minimum 1 year of experience required. Candidates from Knowledge, Music and Intellect will be given preference. Age should not be more than 50 years. Computer literacy is a must.

God of Pollution Control

The candidates should have at least 5 years of experience in various departments. Role will include pollution control, rewarding environmentally aware creatures and punishing reckless creatures. Must respond to prayers from all species within 24 hours. Age should not be less than 200 years. Fraternizing with God of Natural Resources, God of Industrialisation and God of Capitalism will not be tolerated. God of Capitalism does not refer to the US.

God of Advertising

The candidate should specialize in conning techniques and influencing mindsets. Prior experience in any form of communication will be preferred. Should be able to respond quickly to any prayer from anyone in the advertising business. Perks will include a part of the profits. Age, preferably between 50 – 100 years.
All applications should reach the Department of Divine Bullshit, latest by doomsday. Applications received after that will not be tolerated. All applications can be mailed to holycrap@worship.com or alternatively, the candidate can call 1800 – HOLYCRAP for further details.

Till I write something stupid again…
Adios.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The circus is in town!

Five years have passed and psephologists are busy again. The reason is obvious. The circus is back in town, with the complete ensemble of clowns, trapeze artists, flame throwers (they are particularly in demand) and ring masters! We have given this circus a very fancy name: election.

Gnawing away at the roots of the world’s largest democracy is the very crux of the democratic process! It all began with an irate journalist tossing a shoe at the home minister. Then another shoe was tossed at yet another politician. Surprisingly, both shoes missed the mark. I sometimes wonder, if they were meant to hit the target at all. Then suddenly all the political parties stood up and took notice of issues which had earlier vanished into oblivion. What followed was a spate of hate speeches against individuals, parties and religious segments, stomping the entire fabric of secularism. Graves were dug up, and the issues that had been put to rest were raked up again. All for a few votes!

Media is going berserk, holding debate after debate, trying to find sense in this insanity. However, I find a little tint of political alignment despite them claiming the analysis to be impartial. For the common man who casts the vote at the polling booth, it is nothing more than a choice between the devil and the deep sea. I mean really, are we as a country, despite our claims of rapid development, that retarded as a 62 year old democracy? Can we not find one single person in this milling crowd of 1 billion people who will lead the country without thinking about personal gains? Is this the picture that we want to give the world out there? And then we still wonder why tourists come to this country looking for elephants and snake charmers on the road! That’s the picture we have given the world out there. We have told them that we’re just a bunch of clowns.

As a friend of mine often says “we have made a Mickey of ourselves” in front of the whole wide world and we are projecting ourselves as an immature nation. Someone talks about age in politics, someone else picks up demolished mosques and religion as their favourite weapon and the rest, either follow the herd or say things that will probably not make sense even to a 5 year old. Grow up!

But all said and done, I don’t know how much of an impact a piece like this is going to make because I don’t even know how many people will read it. So till it does make a difference, watch the circus and make sure you get the tickets for the front row!

Adios.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

That girl who changed me forever

To begin with, this is not what I originally planned to write about. But things so happened that at this point in time, this is the foremost thought in my mind and hence, its here! Anyone who reads this: I DO NOT WANT SYMPATHY OR TOO MUCH ADVICE. Just a genuine and heartfelt prayer will do because what I am going to write about is extremely close to my heart.

I am in love with the most marvelous woman I have known. We were together for a brief period and then things so happened that she wanted to walk out. That was over a year ago. Since then, I have prayed, cried (and I do not do that very often), lived with a hope that she will be back. I even tried ways to stop loving her but nothing would just help! She got back with the guy she was seeing earlier and then she broke up with him again and is with someone else now…or so she tells me. But yes, in my heart I believe that I will win her back. She is probably at the juncture where I was when I was her age. She is 2 and 1/2 years younger than me. I am telling you, this woman is simply wonderful and I believe that one day she will see how much I love her and understand it. But till then, the wait is what hurts. I have never really loved a woman so much and if you have known me, you would know that I am not lying about this. Do me a favour, pray for me. Please.

Thanks…

Monday, March 02, 2009

How did I originate?

Ok…it’s been a long time since I have blogged. So I am a little…sort of…umm…let’s say…alienated from the feeling. It’s like not having asked any girl out for a date for a long time and then when a girl pops out of simply nowhere…it feels strange. Nevertheless, let me make an attempt with the hope that you will like it.

After all these years of intense investigation and research, I have finally unearthed the secret of how I came to this world. Now, before you snigger and jump to conclusions, let me clarify that I am talking purely about my interpretation of why I am the way I am.

The year was 1983. The month was December. My parents got married and my paternal grandmother, for reasons known best to her, wanted a grandson. Such was a case with a lot of grandmothers back then but honestly, I personally find no reason to crave for a grandson. Anyway, my parents were obviously under a lot of pressure. So they got down to praying. And as we all know, a good bribe works well not just with humans but with deities as well. When their petition for a son reached God, He was pretty tempted by the various things he had been offered as a bribe so He decided to put this file on the express route. There were other couples who had also placed their petitions so all the humans manufactured at that point of time were booked. Now, when my parents’ petition reached the production department, the craftsmen were a little vexed. All that they had in surplus quantity were animals and some raw material. But the raw material itself was not enough to manufacture a human.

Now, God…being God…came up with a brilliant idea. He decided to mix and match things. Anyway, everything that God gives has a tag that reads “Goods once sold will not be taken back” so that ruled out any chance of an exchange! He picked up the raw material and gave it a human form. Then he picked up the porcupine and took off its hair. Hence I have hair that looks like a porcupine and no matter what I do, it keeps bouncing back to shapelessness. From the giraffe he picked up the height so I ended up being absurdly tall. I do not mean that I am the tallest you will come across but I think my height is absurd nevertheless. Though yes, on the positive side, it allowed me to date the most wonderful woman in the world and her being tall made me feel a little less absurd. For the ears and the nose, he roped in the dog and trust me, it is not one of the best things to have the ears and the nose of a dog because I have ended up hearing and smelling things I would have rather done without. From an elephant God picked up the appetite so I keep eating all the time! Damn! My nose was borrowed from a seal which is why it is round and broad. I mean…that’s one thing I hate about myself!! There are a few other thing I would not mention. In short, I am a mix and match of several species and once God had put me together, he marveled at the strange thing he had created. And for the past 24 years, my parents have time and again debated whether it was a good or bad to push God into sending them a little warped human so soon! No wonder they never wanted to have any more kids. Once bitten…twice shy after all!

Adios.