A strange birthday…

It’s past midnight. It’s my birthday and guess what I am doing? I am sitting in a bus and traveling! That is one amazing way to celebrate one’s birthday isn’t it??
Well, my little T did call me to wish me and that is the brightest part about the entire journey so far but then…it’s still a bus. And my physical frame has not really been made to fit into a bus I guess…
In fact I wonder how people fit so comfortably and cozily into the seats and still manage to have space to give their carnal desires an outlet! Yes, there is a couple right here which is deeply engrossed. In what? I shall not get into that lest kids be reading this.

So then…I turn 23. I am already feeling old! But this is the birthday that feels the most complete in all of those I do remember celebrating! I have a nice job…I have the best girlfriend (read little T) a guy can have and I am on a bus to meet my parents. Touchwood. And I love the fact that God is finally smiling at me. That’s awesome. Thanks Buddy!

Well, what tomorrow holds, I do not know but for now I do know that things seem complete. Though this nagging cough and cold I have had for the past couple of days has been getting on my nerves very literally, I am not complaining because God has given me a lot reason to rejoice and be happy. I don’t really want to be too greedy. This bus is supposed to hit Jaipur at an as ungodly hour as 3.30 in the morning but thankfully I am nocturnal so I don’t really have a problem. But then there is another journey from Jaipur to a place called Dausa which may take a little while longer. No issues…will do.
And well, since I do not have access to the internet right now so I shall put up this piece only once I reach. Which means that if you’re reading this, I am alive and safe. Now the question is, how am I typing this? The answer is on my laptop!

Calls have been pouring in for the past half an hour and though I am happy they have been but phone’s going low on charge!! And if this conks off then how will I speak to little T after that?!

Sorry for the interruption in the narration. The bus had stopped by at a place to eat and I was famished so had gone out to grab a bite and hence the break in the flow. Are the bus makers warped in the heads or am I too big? I really want someone to answer this for me because I can’t just find one! Leg space has been an omnipresent problem and that is one reason I like Volvos. So now the bus is running blitzkrieg on the road again like the driver really doesn’t want to see sunrise tomorrow. And I am bored. Besides, I also have to speak to little T. So then, what will happen? Will I reach Jaipur along with the other passengers and with the whacko driver behind the wheel? Or will we crash into something and perish? I really don’t want to perish right now because little T is coming down next month and I really don’t want to die without seeing her and holding her in my arms once…
Now that I have a reason to live, I really don’t want to die…so then…what will happen??
Well…the fact that you’re reading it right now is pretty much the answer! One hell of a drive that was. And hey little T…I love you.
Adios.

Finally…it’s US.

“Yes”. Now THAT is a magical word. It transforms two individuals into one couple. From you and me it becomes US.
I am riding the wave of joy in life right now. Touchwood.

It all happened on the night of 20th September. It came as an expected surprise. Yes, I know it sounds strange but that is what it was. A nearly eight month long wait came to an end. My little princess…little T said yes.

The story is long and I wouldn’t like to give you all the details because some of them are meant only for her and me to know and understand. Hence I will tell you what I think I can and should. Nearly three months ago, I asked her out. The answer was a polite but firm and flat NO. I hit the dead end. But as I always have believed, hope is what sustains life. So I was hopeful.

I was like that ant climbing up the ant hill. Slow and time consuming. Many times when I thought I had scaled the entire height finally, there was something that resulted in a setback. I had to start again. The reasons were genuine and the wait was painful. But then…so many things remained unsaid…
But it was somewhere that flickering hope that kept me going. God does exist and now I am sure he likes me. I may not be his favourite but he likes me for sure. And I thank him every bit for this joy.

Anyway…moving on…there were times when I thought I had lost it all and was back to square one but then, I was determined and as the wise ones have said, love can be the greatest motivation. So it indeed was. She is my strength and the strongest support I have. She is the biggest joy I have in life. Touchwood again. Anything for her.

Laughter, stupid jokes and anecdotes, tears, happiness…we shared a little of everything as friends but I wanted more. I wanted to belong to this girl and wanted her to belong to me. I wanted to tell her what that little princess meant to me. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. But she did want a relationship then. So that was that. Conversations gained momentum and so did my emotions.

Then came the 20th of September. I spoke to her and then started for home. She had told me that she would think and give me her decision by the end of that. I was in a hurry to reach home. So I zoomed past trucks, trailers, cars and other bikes. And reached home. There was no network on my phone. Christ!! I searched for the network and as soon as I got off my bike I had a message coming in from my little angel. It was a one line message which held the key to the greatest joy I have ever known. That one line said much more than an entire page. It said everything I wanted to hear. I couldn’t believe my eyes so I pinched myself and slapped myself real hard to ensure that I wasn’t in dreamland. I wasn’t! Yippppeeeeeeeeeeeee…
I didn’t know what to do. I felt like screaming out to the world. I wanted to jump…scream…howl…shout…run…jump again…dance (and I did do a little jig)…
That one word meant more to me than anything else ever has meant. Just want to say that I love her with every bit of the emotion I can muster and I hope this stays happy and smiling always. I want to grow old with her and walk the roads of life holding her hand forever...

Pray for US. Please. Thanks!
And Amen…

Adios.

Fear…

(for you little t)

It is an emotion which is common to all living species on the face of this wonderful planet. The strong, the weak, the clever, the dimwits, the successful, the unsuccessful, the glorious and the unsung…it has spared none from its influence. No matter how much one denies the existence of fear in oneself, deep down within everyone somewhere it does exist. I have it too!

For that matter Alexander, Napoleon, Hercules, Achilles or any other brave man ever alive in this world has known fear at some point of time in life for sure. So have I. It is of different kinds depending on the factors it arises from. There is the fear of death which results from the love of life, the fear of sorrow which can trace its roots to the craving for joy and various other innumerable forms. One of the most fearsome is the fear of loss. That loss may be materialistic or otherwise but a loss nevertheless. Though, if it is materialistic, it is comparatively easier to overcome than if it is otherwise.

So this piece is about the fear of loss. In one’s life, there are people. Among them are some who merely exist and a few who hold massive significance. I fear losing those of the latter kind because the former keep making their entries and exists and it really does not matter. But losing the ones who are important leaves behind a void which is at the risk of never being filled. The very thought is frightening. But that again is the bare truth of life. As for me, this bare truth has had a longer presence in my life than needed or asked for. I will not be lying that this fear has made me aware of its existence time and again. Now, once again, it is raising its ugly head. I do not know what to do.

Like sand slipping out of the gaps between the fingers, I can feel this slipping out of my hand. And all I can do is sit and watch like a mute spectator. Watch my life slipping away. It feels like I have been condemned to this by some higher power that a certain grudge against me. When people say that “where there is a will, there is a way”, I want to tell them to stop lying. Their senseless philosophy does not help because sometimes will is not something one can exercise. Especially when the power of making decisions lies with someone else. That is why I fear the emotional bond. Lady luck seems to be perennially upset with me for some reason known only to her. She walks into my life every single time assuring me of long term commitments and then deserts me and flies away to distant lands like a migratory bird. And she does not go alone. With her, she takes everything that is dear to me and that I hold closest to my heart and mind. Today again…it is one such similar occasion.

It is one thing not to know a joy at all but to know it and then lose it is extremely painful. It is true that what one does not know can not hurt one but after the knowledge of that joy, the pain increases exponentially. But still the smiles and grins remain on the face for the very reason that its absence may be noted by people who are very close. And I am saying this with reference to a particular incident so if you’re not associated with it, I will not be surprised to know that you can not make sense of whatever has been written or whatever is going to be written in this piece later. I do not blame you because if the right person reads it then that person will be able to derive sense out of this I am sure. What is precise communication if not the art of conveying a point to the intended recipient while keeping the other wondering?

I hate losing to mismatched competition. I mean isn’t it unfair to put level THREE against level ZERO…or maybe ONE?? I say it is. You may differ but I really do not care because my emotions and my life are on the line. Not yours.
I guess it is that point in life when I should just accept the reality that good things are short lived and I should stay away from them because of the impending pain. Good things never last in my case and I should be used to it by now but the fighter in me refuses to give up and accept defeat. He refuses to bow down till it delivers the fatal blow to the adversary. But the question here is…who is the adversary after all? Because level THREE can never be an adversary to me…I am just level ZERO! And if it is so then it shall not be a contest at all!
I shall lose and the fear of loss will humiliate me yet again…
If I have hated anything in my life then it is this fear because it has always won and proved itself right. Question is…why me? What have I done to offend life so much? I can not recall an answer.
Can you please answer this on my behalf? Please? Because I need to go now before I get carried away and the fear has a hearty laugh on my behalf. I leave with the hope that the fighter in me wins.

Adios.

Little T and Me...

Ok. Ground rules before you start reading this piece.
• You will not ask me for any names because I shall not give them to you.
• If you do have any comments to give, then please refrain because it is exclusively for her and she can choose to post her comments here on tell me over the phone. Just her.

Ok then…now I proceed with it…

The year was 2005 and I was a part of a team which had organized a seminar. She was there and that was the first time I met her. First impression: nice girl and really sweet! We started speaking on the phone and met a couple of times. She was seeing someone and so was I. So friendship was what it was. Then, because of the changes in the phone numbers, we lost touch. Regained it again after a couple of months and then lost it again. Suddenly, one day while browsing through a social networking website, sometime in September last year, something within me made me look for her. A guess what? She was there! So conversations and contact resumed and since then it has been pretty constant.

I had started working in the meanwhile and last April, she came down to the city for a brief holiday. We met for a couple of times. To be precise, three times. I realized she was beautiful. And different from most of the women I had come across. Soft, sensitive, childish, playful, mature, sensible, independent, lovable, genuine and innocent. She was untouched by the grime around. Fresh…clean and with eyes that sparkled with mischief. She was adorable.

I could feel myself get drawn to her but I could say nothing for more reasons than one. So I didn’t. But as luck would have it, today the situation is this: she is single, I have asked her out and she is unsure of accepting it. A little scared maybe and maybe she can’t muster the courage to take a chance and be hurt again. But it is this very tenderness of hers which makes her so adorable and endearing. I have called her the little princess, the angel and a host of other names but plainly put…she is amazing.

Now, it is 2007. Things with her feel perfect. They seem just right and she’s my little lucky mascot. When someone praises her, I feel elated. Like someone has said it to me and when she is crying…I feel like flying down to her to just hold her and tell her I will be there for her forever.

I want to be there for her all the time and prevent any occasion that makes a single tear drop from her eyes. She has beautiful eyes. It is now that I realize that I had been living an incomplete life all this while and her presence in it will make it so complete. So long as I have her in my life…I can stand and face anything because she is my biggest strength. I know her for what she is and she knows me for what I am and that I think makes things better because is cuts out the pretences. I have been craving to hear the magical sound of that one word…YES!

She has her reasons to delay her answer and I understand that completely but sometimes, in spite of realizing that the reason is logical, one feels a little impatient. That is the case here I guess. So little choice do I have other than wait. Which I will because compared to the entire lifetime, this wait seems really small.

I am waiting little T…I am waiting.

Adios.

Unspoken…

(to people I have known since the cradle and will continue to presume I know till my last moment on the funeral pyre)

Last night I wanted to speak. Though I didn’t really get to speak, it kind of cleared the mist a little. It made me accept bare truths of life in their purest and most detestable forms.

It is surprising how even when a person has volumes to speak, finding a willing ear is difficult and even in case one finds an ear like that, all…or at least most of what one wants to say goes unsaid…
It is surprising how one feels absolutely speechless because one realizes that the ear that one presumes is a listening ear, is in fact an ear that is deaf. And hence it gives an illusion of being attentive. One goes on speaking endlessly until realization dawns and then…there is silence. Partly from the shock of the realization and partly from resigning to the fact that THAT is the blatant truth.

It is then that one understands that there are a few things that would probably be understood by just one person who is very similar to oneself. Finding that one person in the milling crowd is an extremely tough task because the world is an extremely populated place. And even the guarantee that one will find such a person is missing. It just leaves life a little more complicated than it had been moments ago. But who said life ever laid its claim to simplicity? Life is a complicated beast by nature and simplicity is just a farce to lure the prey. After the discovery of the fact that the listening ear is actually deaf, a few additional questions pop up instead of unearthing the answers to the already existing questions.

The answers to those questions again, one would rather not delve into because it may just give rise to a few more questions. Life becomes a vicious circle. The pile of questions and answers seem grossly mismatched with the questions clearly with an upper hand. I have come across countless ears that seem attentive but turn out to be deaf but the quest is on to find that one person with a genuinely attentive ear. Instead of losing hope with every lost battle, my fervor to find that one person increases manifold. The quest is renewed. Now I finally feel I have found that one attentive ear. But everyone has a private space which is never open to intrusion of any kind and in my anxiety to speak; I do not want to overstep that line. It is at moments like these that one seeks divine intervention to point out the opportune moment to start speaking. So I am praying.

Please join in my prayers…for my sake and yours so that you also find the right person, if you haven’t already and understand when that right moment arrives. I shall be obliged.

Adios.

Kolkata…

On this planet which is covered seventy five percent by water, there is a piece of land by the banks of the Ganges which has, over time, grown into a bustling city.
Welcome to Kolkata. Welcome to the city of Joy.

Though I belong to that city in the true sense and can trace my ancestral routes to that city, I have never really stayed there for too long at a stretch. For that matter, I have never stayed for too long in any one city. I have been on the move ever since I remember, like a gypsy in the search of new abodes but strangely I have always had an abstract fascination to that city. It akin to the fascination that attraction that a child had to the moon shimmering in all its glory in the sky…though that moon has its own dark spots!

Every time I have been to that city, I have discovered something new. My latest discovery was a fairy. She is beautiful in the very sense of the word. But that is an entirely different topic and I shall now come back to the subject at hand.

Kolkata. This city has had its share of ups and downs. From the capital of the country during the colonial rule of Great Britain, it has now been reduced to the status of a city in shambles. Though, in its true sense, the city is growing in leaps and bounds but the image of this city lies tainted forever. Sad but true. It now has the stature of a city that is laid back and still basks in the glorious past. And this I am saying at the risk of attracting the ire of those who are in love with the city. I too, am somewhere in love with it but I guess the long period of separation has left me more susceptible to noticing the flaws.

Let me tell you about Kolkata today. It is a city like any other buzzing metropolitan with an active day and night life. On one hand is the metro rail which transports people at tremendous speed and on the other hand there is the tram which runs on rails laid out on the road and as a result is painfully slow. It is more like a reminder of the times when leisure was not such a precious commodity. On one hand are the gigantic buildings from the Victorian ages and on the other, there are towering skyscrapers. The air of the city is friendly and due to the ceaseless influx of people, it has developed a sense of acceptance to people of all races, casts and creeds. The weather is humid most of the year and though in the summers it isn’t very hot in terms of the temperature, the sweat can get to you. Winters however, are pleasant. Rains leave the city drenched in water, sand and sometimes…grime. But the city is beautiful nevertheless.

One distinctive trait of the city however is the food. It is amazing how inexpensive the food is! Remember, it is inexpensive but not cheap. Quality reigns supreme.
Infinite variety presents itself to the palate. The only hitch is that predominantly, the food is non vegetarian. So, for absolute carnivores like me, it is paradise. But for the ones who love animals it is a little difficult. Though, most dishes now have vegetarian avatars so survival doesn’t translate into a question mark.
There are restaurants on Park Street which are exorbitantly high priced and at the same time, food stalls and smaller eateries. The difference is the ambience. And coming to sweets, it is heaven for a person with a sweet tooth. The array available is mind boggling.
Specially the Roshogollas, Sandesh, sweetened curd and in the quick snacks, it is the Phhuchkas, Egg Rolls, Churmur and Jhaal Muri that stand apart.

Basically, in spite of the shortcomings, there are certain things that are nice about the city. So then, pay it a visit once when you want to go on a vacation. I guess you will like it!
See you there then.

Adios.