Sunday, March 16, 2008

confessions and memoirs

Before you start reading this, must tell you that this is an autobiographical account and so it might not make an “interesting read”.

The first crush I had was over a decade ago when I was 13. I don’t even remember her name now. It just faded away in the tides of time. People now tell me that I have a way with women but it is a result of conscious cultivation.

I was never the popular or happening kid in school. Always on the sidelines with very little interaction with girls. It was more cause the girls probably never found me interesting enough. Needless to say, I was always treated as a loser. So I set out to prove a point. When I was 14, I had my first taste of sex. Rather early, I agree but as I said, I had a point to prove. Over the years, things just went haywire…

Women stepped in and out of my life. In college, it was a status symbol. And I must confess that it felt good cause after all, I had worked a lot to reach that stage. All I had done was set out to tell people that I wasn’t a loser and stop. But that stop never happened. It was like the dam had crumbled before gushing waters and there was nothing that could stop it.

But deep inside, I was jealous of those who had true relationships because it only made me aware of how hollow I was. Then I had my first relationship. It was with a childhood friend. It was long distance and she could never manage to have that faith I guess because of the way she had seen talk to women. I tried making things work for a year and it just split. But I was 17 back then I got over it.

Then when I went to Symbiosis, my first intense relationship happened. We had our differences but most times I guess it was buried due to the physical intimacy. When I walked out of Symbiosis and into MICA, it so happened that a senior of that girl, who had asked her out earlier, asked her once again to be with him. She agreed. Simple reason. He had a great job and I didn’t. I felt cheated. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for serious relationships. So I went back to being what I was. For a very simple reason that I thought that was what I was the best at.

Then little T happened to me. I had known her for two years back then and had always related to her completely. We thought alike, we liked the same things, neither of us were over possessive and we had similar values. I mustered all my courage and asked her out, keeping nothing about me hidden from her. She agreed. Things were going great. But then suddenly she decided she didn’t want it. It came as a shock and I was clueless. I will not get into the details because it is only for me and her to know. I was heart broken. Lost faith in things. But somehow, this girl is so special that I haven’t been able to imagine life without her. I haven’t been able to move on and take an interest in other women. I can’t still call her my EX cause from my heart, I still love her beyond everything else. I always. I understand the reason behind her decision and though I think it was a little too early, but I had made a promise to her that I would stand by her through everything, no matter what. And I intend to live upto that promise. In that little time that we were together, she showed me a side of life that I was never aware of! She was...and still strength and an unfaltering support.

I respect her decision but if I really have a way with women, I just hope it works on her. Even if it doesn’t work on other women, I really don’t care. It’s just a hope that she changes her decision and the magic works, just for one last time…on my little princess...



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