Fear…

(for you little t)

It is an emotion which is common to all living species on the face of this wonderful planet. The strong, the weak, the clever, the dimwits, the successful, the unsuccessful, the glorious and the unsung…it has spared none from its influence. No matter how much one denies the existence of fear in oneself, deep down within everyone somewhere it does exist. I have it too!

For that matter Alexander, Napoleon, Hercules, Achilles or any other brave man ever alive in this world has known fear at some point of time in life for sure. So have I. It is of different kinds depending on the factors it arises from. There is the fear of death which results from the love of life, the fear of sorrow which can trace its roots to the craving for joy and various other innumerable forms. One of the most fearsome is the fear of loss. That loss may be materialistic or otherwise but a loss nevertheless. Though, if it is materialistic, it is comparatively easier to overcome than if it is otherwise.

So this piece is about the fear of loss. In one’s life, there are people. Among them are some who merely exist and a few who hold massive significance. I fear losing those of the latter kind because the former keep making their entries and exists and it really does not matter. But losing the ones who are important leaves behind a void which is at the risk of never being filled. The very thought is frightening. But that again is the bare truth of life. As for me, this bare truth has had a longer presence in my life than needed or asked for. I will not be lying that this fear has made me aware of its existence time and again. Now, once again, it is raising its ugly head. I do not know what to do.

Like sand slipping out of the gaps between the fingers, I can feel this slipping out of my hand. And all I can do is sit and watch like a mute spectator. Watch my life slipping away. It feels like I have been condemned to this by some higher power that a certain grudge against me. When people say that “where there is a will, there is a way”, I want to tell them to stop lying. Their senseless philosophy does not help because sometimes will is not something one can exercise. Especially when the power of making decisions lies with someone else. That is why I fear the emotional bond. Lady luck seems to be perennially upset with me for some reason known only to her. She walks into my life every single time assuring me of long term commitments and then deserts me and flies away to distant lands like a migratory bird. And she does not go alone. With her, she takes everything that is dear to me and that I hold closest to my heart and mind. Today again…it is one such similar occasion.

It is one thing not to know a joy at all but to know it and then lose it is extremely painful. It is true that what one does not know can not hurt one but after the knowledge of that joy, the pain increases exponentially. But still the smiles and grins remain on the face for the very reason that its absence may be noted by people who are very close. And I am saying this with reference to a particular incident so if you’re not associated with it, I will not be surprised to know that you can not make sense of whatever has been written or whatever is going to be written in this piece later. I do not blame you because if the right person reads it then that person will be able to derive sense out of this I am sure. What is precise communication if not the art of conveying a point to the intended recipient while keeping the other wondering?

I hate losing to mismatched competition. I mean isn’t it unfair to put level THREE against level ZERO…or maybe ONE?? I say it is. You may differ but I really do not care because my emotions and my life are on the line. Not yours.
I guess it is that point in life when I should just accept the reality that good things are short lived and I should stay away from them because of the impending pain. Good things never last in my case and I should be used to it by now but the fighter in me refuses to give up and accept defeat. He refuses to bow down till it delivers the fatal blow to the adversary. But the question here is…who is the adversary after all? Because level THREE can never be an adversary to me…I am just level ZERO! And if it is so then it shall not be a contest at all!
I shall lose and the fear of loss will humiliate me yet again…
If I have hated anything in my life then it is this fear because it has always won and proved itself right. Question is…why me? What have I done to offend life so much? I can not recall an answer.
Can you please answer this on my behalf? Please? Because I need to go now before I get carried away and the fear has a hearty laugh on my behalf. I leave with the hope that the fighter in me wins.

Adios.