au revoir darling

Life has come to a grinding halt. All cogs unanimously refuse to work. I stand and watch the clock tick by. Have suddenly lost so much that it seems difficult to believe. The biggest loss though, was losing you. Time and again, I feel like I am walking through a mist. In this dense fog, I seek you and your touch. A hand to assure me that you’re still by my side. Then I wake up. I am jolted back to reality. Regret is the first emotion that hits me. I wake up…look around and repent for everything that went wrong. I know I had plenty of chances but it when one hits rock bottom that one truly realizes that all that is needed is one last chance to prove oneself. But you refuse to let me have it. Don’t blame you my love…I don’t expect you to be as benevolent as God. But I am sorry.

Your memories lie undisturbed. Some in the closet and the others in my heart. They stay still, taking me back to those blissful days. I regret more that I threw it all away. I close my eyes and the mist clears because your face appears before me. The mist returns when I open my eyes. Why can’t I then close my eyes for good? At least it will take the mist away. I remember my friend’s burning pyre and envy him. He will no more have to bear the nasty jolts of life. Is death truly a better way out then? No. I won’t succumb. That’s my resolve because with life comes hope. There will be a faint glimmer that one day I will be able to hold your hand again. I will continue the way we had planned. Though no woman except you will ever be in the picture. I shall stand and hear the clock tick by. Like one piece of machinery next to another. Without you, my human side shall probably not last very long anyway princess. I read the note in my wallet and feel a sudden warmth envelope me. Though imaginary, your presence has warmth.

Your absence will pinch and burn throughout the time I am around and now that I look back, I realize I was very stupid to let you go. Worse, push you more. Today, we are poles apart. And you don’t want to take a single step this side but I shall continue trudging in the fog, in spite of falling and being bruised and hurt numerous times in the sole hope that finally I will come out of this fog to see you standing on the other side to say that you believed in me and I didn’t let you down. All it will take for the hurt to disappear is one hug from you to say that you’re still by my side. If that doesn’t happen, maybe I will lose myself in this mist like countless others. But I shall never stop seeking you because till am alive, the hope will linger. Till God decides to have mercy on me and be a little benevolent. As long as that doesn’t happen, life well. Be happy. I will always love you.

Au revoir little T