Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Absolute rubbish!
Ok. Before I begin, please answer this: how much wood would a wood-chuck chuck, if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?
The answer is simple: a wood-chuck would chuck as much wood if a wood-chuck could chuck wood.
Now, that definitely made no sense, did that? I will be surprised if it did because in truth, that was absolute gibberish. Let me now come to the main topic. Rubbish or gibberish is something that is one can call an art. No I am not kidding. In fact, talking or writing absolute gibberish with complete finesse is a matter of a lot of practice and like any other skill, practice hones this skill as well!
People have been speaking bullshit (pardon my use of expletives, please) ever since the dawn of time and continue to do so at their convenience. What is not easily found is the finesse. Rubbish, if laced with a dash of the right tone and style can be extremely effective. It can con the world! Look at our politicians for example. They have been giving us the same gibberish through all these years and they still end up being in power. What is more surprising is the fact that we are the ones who put them there!
Most bosses also are extremely proficient at this and in fact, it is a kind of must have quality to have to become a boss! Oops! Did I give you a secret?! Sorry. Delete the file from your memory. Delete delete delete…! No offence to any boss. It is all in good spirit...
The profession I am into has taught me two things. First is that when one can’t convince a person with logic, he or she should confuse the person with utter crap. Second is that when one can’t be bedazzled with brilliance, it is best to baffle the person with bullshit (pardon me again) because that is the only way out! Let me now introduce myself. I am a copywriter. For those of you who do not know, my job is to write all the stuff that fills up your ears during the commercials! For Christ’s sake, absolute incomprehensible gibberish with total finesse is what forms my bread, butter, jam, omelets, sausages, coffee and sugar! Look at the effectiveness of fine rubbish…people actually believe that the brand ambassadors actually use the products they endorse! I mean, that too, in spite of subconsciously realizing that it isn’t true.
Absolute and good quality rubbish is pretty useful in real life too! It can get people out of really sticky situations and that too, unscathed! Sounds good? I know but then it requires skills that have to be polished over years. Lying confidently is one such sub art. When you lie, believe in it completely and the confidence will radiate on your face!
Because if one listens carefully, nothing in this world can be absolute rubbish unless one has spent countless hours perfecting the art. And all the while that one lies, one has to be aware of the string that is going to be built.
Now I am smiling to myself. Look at yourself. I am sitting here at three in the freaking morning because I am bored, writing this piece of trash (literally) and you’re actually reading it! No offence. Just kidding but now you know that people read through and listen to complete crap even without realizing it! I am planning to start coaching classes. Tell me if you want to join. The guarantee is that you will be a master at this art. And no…the guarantee is not rubbish. Tell me if you liked this piece or not. I shall wait.
Adios.
through the woods...
One fine day
I walked through the woods
Knowing not
What lay ahead…
Dry leaves crumpling
Under my feet
The birds chirping
In the trees massive…
Alone I walked
Through those woods
Waiting for someone
To accompany me…
The breeze was pleasant
The sweet scent of the wild
I wanted to lose myself
In the pleasant morn…
On reaching a gurgling brook
I came upon a little princess
Trying to pluck the apples
Off the highest branch…
Captivated I was
By the radiant face
The carefree air
That enveloped her…
As I approached she fled
Scared that I may mean harm
She peeped out
From behind the other tree…
I plucked and apple and
Asked her to take it
Hesitatingly she held out her hand
To take the tempting red apple…
Acquaintance blossomed into love
And now I only pray that
This walk through the woods
Should last to eternity…
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Incredible…
That is one word that definitely sums up what life is all about!
I mean, things happen when they are least expected and it is good to know that things are looking up!
One thing that really adds to life is to have someone special…someone whom one can hold and talk to when things seem to go awry and nothing seems to work. With all due gratitude to God, I have found that person and I truly believe that anyone who finds the right person in life is extremely lucky because more than half the people across the world spend more than half their lives to find that right person and by the time they find the person, it is too late! Sometimes, that might even happen posthumously!
But for me, life has always had surprises in store and the biggest and the most pleasant is, was and will be her. She came in like that light at the end of the tunnel just when I had begun to think that I will never get out of there…
She reinstated my belief in live, love and things that are nice and coveted by all of us. At least, most of us. Sometimes she in my arms and sometimes, she is physically away from me but in the center of my heart, she always has her abode. And for the first time, I feel anchored to the shore. The feeling, needless to say, is marvelous and I want to cherish it till the last day I live. I had always heard that being in love was wonderful but for the first time, I am experiencing it myself.
Trust me, all those people who haven’t felt it yet, you don’t know what you’re missing out on in life. So take my advice, go out there and if there is someone whom you want to say something to then just say it out loud. Nothing works as good as saying things clearly and openly. Believe me, it will work, just like it did for me.
When that happens, do not forget to celebrate because if you do not celebrate when life gives you an opportunity to, then who knows…you might just run out of chances!
Ok? So go on and tell me how things went!
Adios.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Rendezvous with a vampire
One thing I would like to tell you before you read any further…vampires are not really as mean and violent and not even remotely as seductive as we make them out to be. In fact, a few of them are…vegetarian! Surprised? Read on to figure it out!
It happened a few years back. I was coming home from a friend’s place and it was really late. I didn’t have any other mode of transport save my lovely bike back then. So I hit the road. It had totally slipped my mind that it was Friday the 13th! Not that I really believed in ghosts and other paranormal creatures…till that night, that is.
On my way home, there is the biggest graveyard in the city. I have crossed countless times and when people said things like it was haunted, I just laughed it off! I had been there myself out of sheer curiosity and had never found anything even remotely scary. So I never believed the fact that ghosts of various kinds inhabited that patch.
That night, my bike just went dead right in front of the gate of that cemetery and 1.30 in the night, the bike going dead in the middle of the road can be quite annoying specially because there definitely wouldn’t be a mechanic around at that ungodly hour unless I decided to dig up the grave of a dead mechanic and wake him up from his slumber. Had absolutely no intention of doing that. So I started tinkering around with the bike, aided by my limited knowledge of engines and automobiles. This, needless to say went in vain.
Suddenly I heard a voice. “Hey buddy, need a hand?” said the voice. I was pretty startled by a voice coming out of nowhere. I turned around to discover a really tall gentleman standing behind me. I mean really tall because he was a good foot taller than me and I myself stand more than 6 feet above sea level! “Err…sir my engine seems to have conked off and I really don’t know where to find a mechanic around” I said…still a little surprised seeing the kind of clothes he was wearing and his general appearance, even besides the height. He wore a red and black cape with a high rise collar, a frilly shirt and pretty tight trousers. Looked like he had either stepped out of a period film or was headed for a theme party. But this was too late for someone to be HEADED to a party. Maybe he was going back home and like a good citizen, had stopped by to help. But then, he looked pretty well off and definitely not like a person who couldn’t afford the luxury of a swanky car. So in the name of sweet Jesus was he doing here at this hour of the night. Didn’t look too old either…maybe 30…not more. Anyway, I had other things to worry about so for the time being I decided to let it be.
He started poking and clanking around the engine and grunting when he came upon a jammed screw or bolt. Meanwhile, I was thirsty and there was no other place with the possibility of finding water so I stepped into the cemetery and looked around if there was a caretaker or anyone else around. There wasn’t a single living human soul around. But then I saw an earthen pot of water and a glass beside it. The water was pretty clean and the thirst was getting to me so I really couldn’t wait for mineral water. Hence I poured some into the glass and drank. The water was surprisingly refreshing. Looked around for a place to sit because I was bored and didn’t want to disturb the stranger in his work so I apologized to a grave and sat on one end of it. I lit up a cigarette and glanced around the whole place. A little mist and the rustle of leaves but nothing really unusual so I moved a little further up and leaned against the headstone. Was quite comfy and I almost started to doze off when the same voice scared the moonlight out of me suddenly! I mean come on, it was halfway through the night, I was sitting in a cemetery and here I had a guy who an unusually husky and hollow voice! I had every damn reason to be scared.
“I tried repairing it but it didn’t work! You will need a modern mechanic. They make machines so complicated nowadays! I remember, when I bought my car in 1832, I could repair it all by myself! Those automobiles were wonderful. They were simple and as wise people have truly said, beauty is simplicity” he said in an extremely preachy tone. I would have ignored what he said had it not been for the year that he mentioned. Did he just say 1832?!
Then it happened…”Oh and let me introduce myself, I am Vampire Lord Sipper”. My first reaction was to burst out laughing thinking it was a joke. He clearly didn’t like the idea of me taking his serious introduction as something to be laughed at so he promptly changed into a bat, circled around me twice and changed back to his human form again. I was, needless to say, shell shocked. “Now do you believe me?” he asked calmly. Did I now? I wanted to run but it felt like my feet were glued to the ground! So much for not believing in ghosts. “Oh and I think you should get off Wimpy’s grave. He really doesn’t like it and he can be a pretty nasty guy at times”. “Thanks Sipper, for getting this guy’s butt off my face. I owe you one bro!” came the sound from inside the grave.
“You look scared boy! Don’t worry, I wont dig my fangs into you and drink every drop of blood that runs in your veins till you run dry. I have turned vegetarian. You’re lucky and besides, I do not have a taste for smokers anyway!” he said casually with a grin. So much for comfort! “So, lad, tell me your name! It’s been really long since I have spoken to a human and since you two wheeler is not going to be repaired before morning anyway, let’s kill some time talking”. Great! I was sitting there with a vampire and now I was expected to entertain him till sunrise. But I had little choice so I listened to him ramble on. I have to admit, the chap was pretty interesting and had loads of things to talk about. The places he had visited, the people he had converted into vampires, his family, friends etc.
I couldn’t hold my curiosity any longer. “I have a couple of question mister err…what do I call you?” “You can call me Sipy! That’s what my friends call me!”
Awesome. Now I had befriended a vampire. I wondered how I managed to achieve such distinguished feats! No point so I moved on with my question.
“So Sipy, tell me something, what’s your blood group? I have always wondered!”
“Good and unusual question. All of us vampires have the same blood group. AB+ because when we drink blood, it is not really possible to segregate people based on their blood group. Hence it makes sense to be the universal receiver! See? Simple logic!”
Whoa! Even vampires had logic!
“And, if you don’t mind telling me…err…why exactly are you a veggie Sipy? I mean…no offence…in fact, I am glad that you have given up your blood thirst. It is indeed a wonderful thing. But I was just curious why”
Even as I said this I could hear an adage ring in my ears…CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT.
Sipy looked hurt for a moment and then smiled “I will tell you. A hundred years ago, when I was in Germany, I had rented a plush apartment in the vampire locality of Berlin and right next door, my neighbors had this beautiful and seductive daughter named Isabelle. I loved her with all my heart. She was one gorgeous woman and made men, both mortals and vampires swoon over her! This liking of mine landed me in a brawl with her brother Kirsten one day. In that I lost my fangs so I went to Dr. Fixit, the most acclaimed dentist in the vampire community. He told me with a grave face that there was nothing that he could do for my fangs because they had been injured permanently at the roots. And you know, technology wasn’t all that developed back then. He had to perform a root canal on me and trust me, when you’re a vampire, root canals are extremely painful! Isabelle flatly refused to date a vampire sans the fangs because that would make a laughing stock out of her! I didn’t blame her though I was left heartbroken. I left Germany for India. Here, bought a little coffin, a small patch in this cemetery and ijust wanted to live in anonymity for eternity. To satiate my thirst, I tried drinking blood from the blood banks but that cold blood gave me a sore throat and I had to run to Dr. Peter Khopdi who’s in the fourth grave from mine. After a point of time I decided to give up blood in favor of fruit juice. Oh…that reminds me…here…take this…Real orange juice. I am sure you will like it. No preservatives and sugar…just pure juice!”
As he said that, he pulled out two one liter bottles from under his cape and handed one to me. Wow! This guy here could actually be the brand ambassador for Real!
“But there is another thing that bothers me…why do you turn into bats of all things? I mean…not a tiger, ostrich, chicken, blue whale, eagle…nothing! Just a bat?!” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me again.
He grinned. “Look my boy, first of all, it’s easy, free and quick transportation. Second, who on earth doesn’t love to fly?! It is everyone’s fantasy! Plus since we generally live in dark places and anyway can’t allow even a drop of sunlight to touch us, so the sound waves help us find our way around. Otherwise we would have been quite accident prone! And since bats are scary looking creatures, it also adds to the scare value!”
That was an interesting piece of information! He asked me things that made him curious, like why were we humans scared of ghosts and what made us donate something as precious and delicious as blood? I answered to the best of my abilities and before either of us realized, the Sun had begun to rise. He hurriedly took leave and disappeared into his grave. I waited till the human mechanic opened his shop and I got my bike fixed. I also bought a few flowers and placed it on Sipy’s grave. May the nice chap rest in peace…till sunset. Don’t know, maybe somewhere, someday I will bump into him again.
Adios.
It happened a few years back. I was coming home from a friend’s place and it was really late. I didn’t have any other mode of transport save my lovely bike back then. So I hit the road. It had totally slipped my mind that it was Friday the 13th! Not that I really believed in ghosts and other paranormal creatures…till that night, that is.
On my way home, there is the biggest graveyard in the city. I have crossed countless times and when people said things like it was haunted, I just laughed it off! I had been there myself out of sheer curiosity and had never found anything even remotely scary. So I never believed the fact that ghosts of various kinds inhabited that patch.
That night, my bike just went dead right in front of the gate of that cemetery and 1.30 in the night, the bike going dead in the middle of the road can be quite annoying specially because there definitely wouldn’t be a mechanic around at that ungodly hour unless I decided to dig up the grave of a dead mechanic and wake him up from his slumber. Had absolutely no intention of doing that. So I started tinkering around with the bike, aided by my limited knowledge of engines and automobiles. This, needless to say went in vain.
Suddenly I heard a voice. “Hey buddy, need a hand?” said the voice. I was pretty startled by a voice coming out of nowhere. I turned around to discover a really tall gentleman standing behind me. I mean really tall because he was a good foot taller than me and I myself stand more than 6 feet above sea level! “Err…sir my engine seems to have conked off and I really don’t know where to find a mechanic around” I said…still a little surprised seeing the kind of clothes he was wearing and his general appearance, even besides the height. He wore a red and black cape with a high rise collar, a frilly shirt and pretty tight trousers. Looked like he had either stepped out of a period film or was headed for a theme party. But this was too late for someone to be HEADED to a party. Maybe he was going back home and like a good citizen, had stopped by to help. But then, he looked pretty well off and definitely not like a person who couldn’t afford the luxury of a swanky car. So in the name of sweet Jesus was he doing here at this hour of the night. Didn’t look too old either…maybe 30…not more. Anyway, I had other things to worry about so for the time being I decided to let it be.
He started poking and clanking around the engine and grunting when he came upon a jammed screw or bolt. Meanwhile, I was thirsty and there was no other place with the possibility of finding water so I stepped into the cemetery and looked around if there was a caretaker or anyone else around. There wasn’t a single living human soul around. But then I saw an earthen pot of water and a glass beside it. The water was pretty clean and the thirst was getting to me so I really couldn’t wait for mineral water. Hence I poured some into the glass and drank. The water was surprisingly refreshing. Looked around for a place to sit because I was bored and didn’t want to disturb the stranger in his work so I apologized to a grave and sat on one end of it. I lit up a cigarette and glanced around the whole place. A little mist and the rustle of leaves but nothing really unusual so I moved a little further up and leaned against the headstone. Was quite comfy and I almost started to doze off when the same voice scared the moonlight out of me suddenly! I mean come on, it was halfway through the night, I was sitting in a cemetery and here I had a guy who an unusually husky and hollow voice! I had every damn reason to be scared.
“I tried repairing it but it didn’t work! You will need a modern mechanic. They make machines so complicated nowadays! I remember, when I bought my car in 1832, I could repair it all by myself! Those automobiles were wonderful. They were simple and as wise people have truly said, beauty is simplicity” he said in an extremely preachy tone. I would have ignored what he said had it not been for the year that he mentioned. Did he just say 1832?!
Then it happened…”Oh and let me introduce myself, I am Vampire Lord Sipper”. My first reaction was to burst out laughing thinking it was a joke. He clearly didn’t like the idea of me taking his serious introduction as something to be laughed at so he promptly changed into a bat, circled around me twice and changed back to his human form again. I was, needless to say, shell shocked. “Now do you believe me?” he asked calmly. Did I now? I wanted to run but it felt like my feet were glued to the ground! So much for not believing in ghosts. “Oh and I think you should get off Wimpy’s grave. He really doesn’t like it and he can be a pretty nasty guy at times”. “Thanks Sipper, for getting this guy’s butt off my face. I owe you one bro!” came the sound from inside the grave.
“You look scared boy! Don’t worry, I wont dig my fangs into you and drink every drop of blood that runs in your veins till you run dry. I have turned vegetarian. You’re lucky and besides, I do not have a taste for smokers anyway!” he said casually with a grin. So much for comfort! “So, lad, tell me your name! It’s been really long since I have spoken to a human and since you two wheeler is not going to be repaired before morning anyway, let’s kill some time talking”. Great! I was sitting there with a vampire and now I was expected to entertain him till sunrise. But I had little choice so I listened to him ramble on. I have to admit, the chap was pretty interesting and had loads of things to talk about. The places he had visited, the people he had converted into vampires, his family, friends etc.
I couldn’t hold my curiosity any longer. “I have a couple of question mister err…what do I call you?” “You can call me Sipy! That’s what my friends call me!”
Awesome. Now I had befriended a vampire. I wondered how I managed to achieve such distinguished feats! No point so I moved on with my question.
“So Sipy, tell me something, what’s your blood group? I have always wondered!”
“Good and unusual question. All of us vampires have the same blood group. AB+ because when we drink blood, it is not really possible to segregate people based on their blood group. Hence it makes sense to be the universal receiver! See? Simple logic!”
Whoa! Even vampires had logic!
“And, if you don’t mind telling me…err…why exactly are you a veggie Sipy? I mean…no offence…in fact, I am glad that you have given up your blood thirst. It is indeed a wonderful thing. But I was just curious why”
Even as I said this I could hear an adage ring in my ears…CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT.
Sipy looked hurt for a moment and then smiled “I will tell you. A hundred years ago, when I was in Germany, I had rented a plush apartment in the vampire locality of Berlin and right next door, my neighbors had this beautiful and seductive daughter named Isabelle. I loved her with all my heart. She was one gorgeous woman and made men, both mortals and vampires swoon over her! This liking of mine landed me in a brawl with her brother Kirsten one day. In that I lost my fangs so I went to Dr. Fixit, the most acclaimed dentist in the vampire community. He told me with a grave face that there was nothing that he could do for my fangs because they had been injured permanently at the roots. And you know, technology wasn’t all that developed back then. He had to perform a root canal on me and trust me, when you’re a vampire, root canals are extremely painful! Isabelle flatly refused to date a vampire sans the fangs because that would make a laughing stock out of her! I didn’t blame her though I was left heartbroken. I left Germany for India. Here, bought a little coffin, a small patch in this cemetery and ijust wanted to live in anonymity for eternity. To satiate my thirst, I tried drinking blood from the blood banks but that cold blood gave me a sore throat and I had to run to Dr. Peter Khopdi who’s in the fourth grave from mine. After a point of time I decided to give up blood in favor of fruit juice. Oh…that reminds me…here…take this…Real orange juice. I am sure you will like it. No preservatives and sugar…just pure juice!”
As he said that, he pulled out two one liter bottles from under his cape and handed one to me. Wow! This guy here could actually be the brand ambassador for Real!
“But there is another thing that bothers me…why do you turn into bats of all things? I mean…not a tiger, ostrich, chicken, blue whale, eagle…nothing! Just a bat?!” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me again.
He grinned. “Look my boy, first of all, it’s easy, free and quick transportation. Second, who on earth doesn’t love to fly?! It is everyone’s fantasy! Plus since we generally live in dark places and anyway can’t allow even a drop of sunlight to touch us, so the sound waves help us find our way around. Otherwise we would have been quite accident prone! And since bats are scary looking creatures, it also adds to the scare value!”
That was an interesting piece of information! He asked me things that made him curious, like why were we humans scared of ghosts and what made us donate something as precious and delicious as blood? I answered to the best of my abilities and before either of us realized, the Sun had begun to rise. He hurriedly took leave and disappeared into his grave. I waited till the human mechanic opened his shop and I got my bike fixed. I also bought a few flowers and placed it on Sipy’s grave. May the nice chap rest in peace…till sunset. Don’t know, maybe somewhere, someday I will bump into him again.
Adios.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Being 23
Things are pretty much the same with me except for the fact that I am 23 and now have a pretty neat job, a reasonably good place to stay and to top it all off, I have the best girlfriend a guy can ever want to have! Life’s pretty good and if you have any wood, timber or plywood around you then please touchwood on my behalf. On the surface, not much has changed and I am still the same person but deep within, things have turned a little different.
I guess it is the desire to stabilize because for the first time in my life I want to take life seriously and not hang by the hinges all the time. Now I know that my life belongs to someone too and it is time to start being more sensible. I have lots to thank God for and I guess He gave me the best birthday gift of all this year…and that too a wee k in advance!
Being 23 is about having a little more mature lookout towards life and moving on with the lessons that life has given in the past. Over the years the candles have increased, years have been added on and life has rolled. So far, I really never cared about which way life is headed and neither did I care much for life itself. Now I do.
I know that there is this one beautiful girl out there who’s waiting for me to get back home every evening safe and sound because she isn’t close to me right now. Who loves me but stays silent most of the time and this has made everything a lot different from what it used to be. Money has a different definition and it no more means a commodity to be spent thoughtlessly. Everything looks nice and bright and hopes have decided to fly high once again.
I am not saying that everything is perfect and life needs no improvement but then…as little T says, one can’t appreciate joy unless one has seen sorrow! So I guess the tensions of everyday life and work just add spice to the moments that I have to myself and am happy about. Since I have been 23 for very long, maybe I can tell you a little more in detail a few months later but as of now, life looks like worth living. I am going with the flow and hope the shores are nearby. Things at home are looking up occasionally and I hope even that happens a little more regularly because then life will be near perfection. Let’s see what happens. But as of now, I have my fingers crossed.
And to all those out there who’re 23 but want to hide their age for reasons unknown, c’mon…get a life! Be happy being 23!
Adios.
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